a year ago to this date at this exact time, i sat in a cold, sterile skyscraper – the experience of approaching what would determine my level of progress evoked the aesthetic similar to the opening credits of severance.

what did i really learn? sure, i could memorize facts and learn techniques to pass the exam. i already earned the atrociously-priced synthetic parchment by regurgitating back to the professors what i had been taught/conditioned.

it has always felt like a balancing act: how much of my authentic self must i keep hidden to conform and fit in?

to the “judges”: what if perfection didn’t matter? [it doesn’t]. what if it’s more about transcendence?

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it’s really interesting — writing the above before a reflective personal session where an “other” interprets my individualized instruction manual.

some key terms//themes//insights that kept coming up:

• the importance of symbolism
• integration vs. fragmentation¹. the shitty things cannot be discarded. they must be integrated. no splitting off. wholeness. embodied.
• follow the white rabbit². chase curiosity. ask questions. determine the “why?” be all cheshire-cat about it.
  • funny anecdote: i’ve been chastised many times for asking too many questions. the result? shutting down — psychologically. emotionally. physiologically.
• autonomy to define oneself.
  • sure, always curious to know an other’s perception of me — how i’m impacting them — for the exercise of choosing whether to adapt or politely say “go prick yourself on a thorn” — the exercise of bringing into balance attachment vs. authenticity³. “how much of my self am i willing to prostitute to maintain this connection?”⁴
• resilience. “in spite of everything, yes” — a jupiterian spirit⁵

well, thanks susan, for bringing to my attention that i just navigated pluto-square-pluto. i had no fucking idea that was going on.

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approach to finding out the true self

relationships (the myth of psyche and eros) are the best containers for deep exploration the self — “how am i perceiving the other? what comes up for me? what is being reflected back to me? how do i feel about that? how am i stirred? do i move towards or back away? why? where am i being pushed to more explore my lens in search for truth?”

psychoanalysis. shadow work. the psyche. all these terms, all these fields spinning, spouting. how are they connected? gather data // chaos (north node in gemini) and integrate — find patterns//connections//meaning — to find truth // order (natal south node in sagittarius — an innate knowing of what is truth).

a plutonian approach⁶ would be best in this iteration. works best with a trusted other, as pluto’s process is “efficient and relentless”.⁷

disruption of the “norm”.⁸ unpleasant experience that pushes one to ask “this part of me — this thought, this belief — is this conditioned? what parts of my identity really matter? does this define who i truly am? what is my truth? who am i without all of this conditioning? what is real? where is my power?” [[these fucking fragments…]]

the descent // not knowing.⁹ the story of inana — everything being stripped away — crown, clothes, jewelry — status symbols. relationships. aspects of perceived “identity“. nakedness. the process of de-fragmentation. “what defines me now that i can no longer hide behind my previous definitions of ‘identity’? what have i been using to define my power that no longer exists?”

journey with true self.¹⁰ now that we’ve gone through our own hero’s/heroine’s journey, we are gifted with the priceless wisdom of truly knowing ourselves. true power embodied. whole. no longer fragmented. individuated.

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does it feel like life is falling apart? that certain things no longer make sense? like a stiletto is pinning you down? great! you’re right on time. buckle up! the exploration of self – it’s gonna be a wild ride!

move from conditioning//de-indivuation towards authenticity//individuation. all relationships serve as teachers during this process.

[[“why tf did that asshat cut me off??!” a reaction. a time to reflect on why we’re bothered or stirred. ah yes. an opportunity to make contact with that part of us that feels that we were just disempowered, perhaps because we — for some reason — have a muddied definition of what true power is. we’ll know once we feel peace — when we realize it wasn’t personal. that maybe the other simply interacts with the world based on the way they interact with their “self.” humility in the knowing that we are all reenacting//projecting//navigating our personal narratives. the universe’s gentle reminder to stay in our own lane, tend to our own shit without judgment towards the other. we have our own work in refining our process.]]

people can only meet us as deeply as they’ve met themselves…

we then realize that the “other” is simply aspects of divinity reflected back to us in a unique way. and guess what??? that’s how we’re all part of the greater whole. we’re all participating in this paradigm. we’re all connected.

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and that is how to transcend this idea of “perfection.” perfection is a limitation imposed by others in an attempt to control. hence, perfectionism is the fear of loss of control and — when internalized — is a form of self-judgment and self-hatred. why wouldn’t i hate myself for not meeting another’s arbitrary expectations of me?

let’s lol for a bit and have a snack now that we’ve made it out of the rabbit hole.

1. psychoanalytic ideas — heavy emphasis on carl jung ↩︎
2. lewis caroll: alice’s adventures in wonderland ↩︎
3. dr. gabor mate: the myth of normal ↩︎
4. caroline myss: sacred contracts ↩︎
5. caroline w. casey: visionary activist astrology ↩︎
6. caroline w. casey: visionary activist astrology ↩︎
7. caroline w. casey: visionary activist astrology ↩︎
8. caroline w. casey: visionary activist astrology ↩︎
9. caroline w. casey: visionary activist astrology ↩︎
10. caroline w. casey: visionary activist astrology ↩︎