on integration:

these parts that we reject from ourselves — whether they are negative aspects of others, or (trigger warning) aspects of our own parents we don’t like — are still part of us. unintegrated. fragmented.

take, for instance, sleeping beauty. to truly understand what beauty is — who rose is, we have to integrate maleficent. maleficent didn’t exist until rose was born. we have to look at the totality of the story.

when we reject things — when we split, we don’t have access to the opposite.

the men who have access to beauty are the ones who can take down the dragon of chaos — the ones who have the sword of truth and the shield of virtue. those guys can deal with our shit by cutting through it. and that’s what wakes us up.

the things that we’re often afraid of are the things that remind us the most of the people we’re afraid of — because we’re most like them.

naftali moses

what parts of my mother or father do i reject or have i rejected? the parts of my mother that my father and his mother rejected include my mother’s quiet presence. my grandmother resented my mother from her pedigreed background. when i really think of it, my grandmother resented my mother (and therefore me) because of my mother’s ability to be a mother. what did i reject about my father? his absolutism, his all-or-nothing attitude. his outright rejection of anything that wasn’t his definition of the ideal. he also didn’t live up to my grandmother’s expectations, and he never had the freedom or the tools to really explore himself. he wasn’t accepted by extended family — which his shame is still posthumously ongoing.

well, it looks like i have my work cut out for me. integration of all of these aspects often felt overwhelming. i’m currently working through the shame aspect. and no wonder i have been trying so hard to be a woman that is idealized. but really, it’s better to break the projections of others. why trap myself under their projections and expectations of me?

so on a subconscious primal level, be like them because you are like them. you don’t need to die like them. you just need to understand that there are parts of you that are in them, and that your job is to show up for yourself to free yourself of the ancestral bullshit that’s been passed down… you guys don’t just have the relationship with your life. you have the relationship of all of what it took for you to exist when you’re born on planet earth.

naftali moses

courage is necessary. what am i being courageous for? my work? my image? other people? those goals aren’t fulfilling. i need to be courageous for myself. it all starts with me and my inner world.

on idealization:

women cannot speak to the men who idealize them. they attract men who have a lot of repressed idealizations of women. and then when men see you, they put this massive projection onto who you are of what you are. any time you try to step out of that projection, they get triggered as if they are betrayed. and when you try to talk to them, they can’t listen — they can’t hear you or see you. what they see is the projection. and this sucks. because the man is happy, while you are trapped and controlled by the man.

both parties in the relationship have to be consistently doing their own work in order for the relationship to progress. they cannot resort to naivete, but instead have to accept responsibility for who they are. and they cannot fear confrontation.

everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves. your visions will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes. until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.

carl jung

simple exercise:

when you find yourself “othering” — whether you are offended by something someone said or how they responded behaviorally — ask yourself what part of you is being triggered. the part that feels triggered is the part that needs to be integrated. when you realize that “the other” is simply a reflection of what needs to be integrated within, you become free.

people treat others how they feel about themselves. they project these parts onto others.

when you realize that this is how subconscious energy works, it’s much easier to not take things personally and instead show gratitude towards “the other” for showing what needs a little more self-compassion and grace within.

how should we treat others? there are no others.

ramana maharshi

i have a special kink for projective tests.

i’m imagining a desert with blue sky in the horizon. within my perspective are five items that i need to describe: a cube, a ladder, a storm, a horse, and a flower.

the cube

the cube is located about 50 feet from my perspective in the left-hand portion of my vision. the cube is clear — about 20 feet x 20 feet x 20 feet, made of unbreakable glass (but not acrylic). the cube is enclosed at the top. it is held together at the edges, which are fused. come to think of it, maybe it’s a huge diamond hollowed out in a perfect cube, no occlusions. inside the cube is my studio — made up of creme and blush hues, and comforting textures. smells include woody jasmine vanilla musk. there are breathing holes towards the top edges of the cube.

the ladder

the ladder is made of strong raw oak wood and is about 21 feet tall, leaning against the cube.

the storm

the storm is in the far right side of my perspective. it is far away, but it is a gentle warm rain. when it arrives, i do not fear it. i don’t have to protect other objects in my perspective. nothing to call FEMA about.

the horse

a big black stallion on the side of the path leading to the cube. the stallion is healthy, shiny, and contently grazing.

the flower

an infinite number of white paper flowers line both sides of the path from my perspective to the cube. i opted for paper flowers because they don’t die, they don’t have to be replaced. they’re handcrafted with intention.

---

that’s the way i see my world.

agreeing to projections without individuation (our own knowledge of ourselves — capacity, flaws, etc.) leads to disillusionment and pain. perhaps through disillusionment and pain — combined with the willingness and humility to acknowledge that we may have been wrong or we may have been naive — we find freedom and authenticity.

my individual work towards the divine feminine is acknowledging, examining, and bringing to light these moments i have acted from a wounded place — where i have repressed my authenticity, my obsessiveness, my critical nature, my inability to set boundaries, my insecurities, my manipulative nature. why else wouldn’t i have attracted the wounded masculine?

i appreciate both dene logan’s and naftali moses’ perspectives on who becomes first responsible for relating with these repressed parts of ourselves: the masculine or the feminine… i am not sure if it is that difficult to realize that continuously pointing fingers at the other (“burn the patriarchy!” or “she’s just too emotional and delusional!”) is helpful in the least. sure, the patriarchy lacks accountability at this present moment. continuously thinking that the other is the enemy does nothing but further the disconnect. and to be completely candid, this bitch doesn’t have time to sit around hoping for the other to do their own emotional labor, and it has been blindingly obvious that i cannot do the other’s emotional labor.

change begins with inner work — regardless if one is working towards the divine masculine or the divine feminine.

one of the most heartbreaking realizations i’ve come to is that we become the things we fear — and witnessing it in progress. i can tell a lot about a person by what they criticize, what they judge, what they complain about, who they refuse to turn into. without deep self-reflection, however, they are in a state of becoming their aversions. we are so fucking powerful as human beings — created in the divine image of god/the universe/source — that we have this gift of life — to experience in totality both our imprisonment and our freedom. we are given countless opportunities for self-reflection and growth via relationship — relationship with others, relationship with objects in our environments, relationship with ourselves.

spoiler alert: any “mental illness” indicates an unhealthy relationship with self.

oh — and an exercise for funsies for those who relate with me:

• what am i reflecting back to you about yourself?
• where am i provoking you?
• where am i causing discomfort?
• are my questions obnoxious? why? is it because you don’t like being challenged?
• am i not in a state of surrender enough for you? perhaps i do not feel safety in your woundedness
• am i not playful enough for you? perhaps you have not established safety and security to hold my nature

i love it when people try to define me or tell me who i am — good or bad — because it is telling me how limited by ego their perspective is. do you know how exhausting it is for me to fulfill your expectation of me?

at this moment in my life, i am just showing up as i am, keeping it real. libra is finished with people-pleasing. thanks, venus conjunct pluto in aquarius. it is devastating how we’ve operated in relationship with one another and ourselves, but i’m ready to use that devastation to rebuild.

no tree, it is said, can grow to heaven unless its roots reach down to hell.

carl jung

i’ve come across a few themes over the past week. being an observer and a participant — often beer-bonging data and experiences — these are my connections

everyone is experiencing some level of pain

• some need space to vent it without suggestions or additional perspective. it’s a function of the ego to “need” to offer an opinion or input
• realization that others are experiencing pain — or empathy — changes the way one relates with another
• are you aware enough to understand that vulnerable conversations experience a level of disconnect when exerting power?

boys to men

• joseph campbell said that there is a lack of initiation into manhood
• one can tell a lot about a man by how he talks about and relates with his mother. often the wounding in that initial bond — if unexamined — continues to dictate the way a man relates with the world. research the anima
• what one man won’t do, another would proudly do
• a person who does not work to make contact with their emotions — especially their negative emotions — will project that negativity out into their reality
• ambiguity may be an attempt to circumvent consent

“pick-me” energy and “the hero”

• social media is destructive. it’s cheap validation. before posting, think about the intention, the impact… i’ve been there. i’ve fallen into the trap
• all fucking ego
• “the true test of a man’s character is what he does when no one is watching.” ~ john wooden
• true power is quiet. that’s the scary shit
• oh. and people who are always sick and complaining about being sick. i’m terribly sorry that you weren’t cared for appropriately when you were younger that you need others to pity you. seriously.
• pity is disgusting energy

defining others’ experiences and self-righteousness

• why is it so important for one to be right about another’s experience? how self-righteous. we incarnated to have experiences and, as humans, we learn from our experiences

life becomes a lot easier when you like yourself.

someone who did their homework recently

everything… everyone… every experience… they’re all mirrors of our inner world — of our relationship to everything. of our relationships with ourselves.

it’s becoming more and more clear that people treat others the way they feel about themselves. and people can only meet others as far as they’ve met themselves.

the process: try first. observe. apply.

the way that we experience the world and relationships mirrors our inner world becomes more obvious when i try to assess growth potential. i look at tolerance for discomfort. as soon as discomfort is present, some questions come to mind — why is there discomfort? what is discomfort here to teach?

perhaps discomfort is necessary to elicit introspection and change. broken heart? what needs more self-compassion? hunger pangs? what needs to be fed?

we often learn through experience. most of us experience a myriad of emotions. without pain, we would not know and appreciate pleasure. maybe… we can learn to appreciate pain’s wisdom. hard sell, i know. but something to try.

without loss, we wouldn’t appreciate value.

a good friend once told me that you can tell how someone will value you by the way they treat their valuables.

*this post deserves more air during waking hours

on tuesday, i felt a massive shift. what was once existential anxiety of the uncertainty of what the future will look like now feels productive.

perhaps the uncertainty was supposed to be there all along. to test mastery. i’m reflecting on my daily routines, my obsessive nature, my insatiable hunger for knowledge, my curiosity… and overall, my emotions.

what if it is our emotion that is the link between our unconscious and conscious?

maybe… it would be wise for us to dig into our emotions and figure out what makes us tick. i’m not quite sure why individuals aren’t as curious about themselves. we seem to fear the idea of thought control, but if we aren’t trying to process and heal, then we really aren’t doing our work and we’re asking for it.

this isn’t an all-or-nothing approach. this is just one approach. sure, you can kind of heal via psychedelics, revising communication patterns, studying religion, etc… but those singular practices will not lead to truth. an infinite number of philosophies exist. how do they all connect?

purpose. the antidote to existential angst.

a year ago to this date at this exact time, i sat in a cold, sterile skyscraper – the experience of approaching what would determine my level of progress evoked the aesthetic similar to the opening credits of severance.

what did i really learn? sure, i could memorize facts and learn techniques to pass the exam. i already earned the atrociously-priced synthetic parchment by regurgitating back to the professors what i had been taught/conditioned.

it has always felt like a balancing act: how much of my authentic self must i keep hidden to conform and fit in?

to the “judges”: what if perfection didn’t matter? [it doesn’t]. what if it’s more about transcendence?

---

it’s really interesting — writing the above before a reflective personal session where an “other” interprets my individualized instruction manual.

some key terms//themes//insights that kept coming up:

• the importance of symbolism
• integration vs. fragmentation¹. the shitty things cannot be discarded. they must be integrated. no splitting off. wholeness. embodied.
• follow the white rabbit². chase curiosity. ask questions. determine the “why?” be all cheshire-cat about it.
  • funny anecdote: i’ve been chastised many times for asking too many questions. the result? shutting down — psychologically. emotionally. physiologically.
• autonomy to define oneself.
  • sure, always curious to know an other’s perception of me — how i’m impacting them — for the exercise of choosing whether to adapt or politely say “go prick yourself on a thorn” — the exercise of bringing into balance attachment vs. authenticity³. “how much of my self am i willing to prostitute to maintain this connection?”⁴
• resilience. “in spite of everything, yes” — a jupiterian spirit⁵

well, thanks susan, for bringing to my attention that i just navigated pluto-square-pluto. i had no fucking idea that was going on.

---

approach to finding out the true self

relationships (the myth of psyche and eros) are the best containers for deep exploration the self — “how am i perceiving the other? what comes up for me? what is being reflected back to me? how do i feel about that? how am i stirred? do i move towards or back away? why? where am i being pushed to more explore my lens in search for truth?”

psychoanalysis. shadow work. the psyche. all these terms, all these fields spinning, spouting. how are they connected? gather data // chaos (north node in gemini) and integrate — find patterns//connections//meaning — to find truth // order (natal south node in sagittarius — an innate knowing of what is truth).

a plutonian approach⁶ would be best in this iteration. works best with a trusted other, as pluto’s process is “efficient and relentless”.⁷

disruption of the “norm”.⁸ unpleasant experience that pushes one to ask “this part of me — this thought, this belief — is this conditioned? what parts of my identity really matter? does this define who i truly am? what is my truth? who am i without all of this conditioning? what is real? where is my power?” [[these fucking fragments…]]

the descent // not knowing.⁹ the story of inana — everything being stripped away — crown, clothes, jewelry — status symbols. relationships. aspects of perceived “identity“. nakedness. the process of de-fragmentation. “what defines me now that i can no longer hide behind my previous definitions of ‘identity’? what have i been using to define my power that no longer exists?”

journey with true self.¹⁰ now that we’ve gone through our own hero’s/heroine’s journey, we are gifted with the priceless wisdom of truly knowing ourselves. true power embodied. whole. no longer fragmented. individuated.

---

does it feel like life is falling apart? that certain things no longer make sense? like a stiletto is pinning you down? great! you’re right on time. buckle up! the exploration of self – it’s gonna be a wild ride!

move from conditioning//de-indivuation towards authenticity//individuation. all relationships serve as teachers during this process.

[[“why tf did that asshat cut me off??!” a reaction. a time to reflect on why we’re bothered or stirred. ah yes. an opportunity to make contact with that part of us that feels that we were just disempowered, perhaps because we — for some reason — have a muddied definition of what true power is. we’ll know once we feel peace — when we realize it wasn’t personal. that maybe the other simply interacts with the world based on the way they interact with their “self.” humility in the knowing that we are all reenacting//projecting//navigating our personal narratives. the universe’s gentle reminder to stay in our own lane, tend to our own shit without judgment towards the other. we have our own work in refining our process.]]

people can only meet us as deeply as they’ve met themselves…

we then realize that the “other” is simply aspects of divinity reflected back to us in a unique way. and guess what??? that’s how we’re all part of the greater whole. we’re all participating in this paradigm. we’re all connected.

---

and that is how to transcend this idea of “perfection.” perfection is a limitation imposed by others in an attempt to control. hence, perfectionism is the fear of loss of control and — when internalized — is a form of self-judgment and self-hatred. why wouldn’t i hate myself for not meeting another’s arbitrary expectations of me?

let’s lol for a bit and have a snack now that we’ve made it out of the rabbit hole.

1. psychoanalytic ideas — heavy emphasis on carl jung ↩︎
2. lewis caroll: alice’s adventures in wonderland ↩︎
3. dr. gabor mate: the myth of normal ↩︎
4. caroline myss: sacred contracts ↩︎
5. caroline w. casey: visionary activist astrology ↩︎
6. caroline w. casey: visionary activist astrology ↩︎
7. caroline w. casey: visionary activist astrology ↩︎
8. caroline w. casey: visionary activist astrology ↩︎
9. caroline w. casey: visionary activist astrology ↩︎
10. caroline w. casey: visionary activist astrology ↩︎